How much sex does a good relationship really need? This is a question that worries many couples. You compare yourself to others who are said to experience much more passion. But is that really true? And isn’t this comparison part of the problem? Couples therapist Eric Hegmann answers questions about the frequency and importance of intimacy
Every day? Twice a week? How often should we have sex?
Please relax! Exactly as often as both partners want. There is no benchmark and no couple should be persuaded to do so. An interesting study from a few years ago found that having sex more than twice a week does not increase relationship satisfaction. More is not necessarily better. The main thing is that it be as common as the partners want it to be.
Pleasure killer or excuse? How does everyday life really affect our desire?
According to a study by Parship, up to 40 percent of Germans have abstained from sex because of tiredness and 30 percent because of too much stress. Everyday life matters. However, it must be remembered that while previous generations struggled with the regulation of sex because it was forbidden or because there were no hotel rooms for unmarried couples, for the first time in human history we are allowed to have sex more often and more. of what we want. want. And at the same time, never before has there been such a wide and detailed selection of pornography to consume anywhere, anytime. In my experience, it’s the stress of “having to” and “working out” that afflicts many couples.
Does good sex always have to be passionate and wild?
Sex is not only passion, but also and perhaps even above all, Communication and couple bonding. With this, the partners say to each other: You’re fine, I like to touch you, I want you to touch me. It seems to me that very little attention is paid to this aspect, while an entire industry of toys and pharmaceuticals constantly convinces us that it’s all about the climax, that it has to get better and better because we’re supposed to buy some kind of help for it. . Pleasure, closeness, sharing, security are more important to the couples I meet in my practice than acrobatics.
What is the best time and place to talk about sexual desires and fantasies?
Partners should always be able to do that. I would like to distinguish between fantasies and wishes. Fantasies are the movies and images in the mind that can take us from the everyday space to an erotic space that initiates a climax. On the other hand, desires are fantasies that also want to be fulfilled and experienced. These are two very different things. When couples can’t talk about their fantasies, they also find it difficult to express their desires. Partners must trust each other and not feel threatened by fantasies. Only then can they live their wishes together.
