A letter to the Child of the Stars
I think of you. And I can’t think straight. You have been a small miracle. You came into our lives completely unexpectedly. A little lightning, unplanned. And yet so welcome. You were there suddenly. And just as quickly I lost you again. I carried you on my stomach for 3 months, most of the time completely unnoticed. But you didn’t want to stay. My baby. my star child
There are people who say that we should only count our little miracle after the first three months. They think it would be better if it “doesn’t work”. But why really? Sure, from a medical standpoint, statistically most miscarriages occur at this stage. But does that make it less painful when it “doesn’t work”?
Don’t we need the support of our loved ones at that moment to somehow cope with loss, grief and pain?
I felt you, little miracle.
Even before I knew that I had you under my heart, it was clear that something was different than usual, my hormones were in turmoil. My moods were unbearable. The clearest sun was followed by gloomy clouds, seemingly for no reason. It’s amazing that your dad could handle this change of mood so well. In retrospect, it’s almost funny how long I didn’t realize my “other circumstances.” Because, in fact, all the signs could have come from the textbook. Thanks to you I had the craziest cravings. Peanut butter with mustard and balsamic vinegar, who eats that?
When I told him about you, your father smiled like never before. We don’t plan you. We’ve known each other for too little. And yet the joy of you was overwhelming. We made plans, we heard your gurgling in my stomach. Even your older brother was hooked on you after initial skepticism. I slowly saw a little tummy, I carried you with pride.
I wonder how you will look, will you have your father’s sweet eyes?
I woke up that morning. And I felt that something was different than usual, I couldn’t name it. And then my stomach cramps and bleeding started. Please do not do it. The next few hours blur in my memory in a distorted and painful image. Within minutes I had my favorite people around me. We hug, we cry, we talk, we look for explanations for something that cannot be explained. we lost you
How lonely would I have been if I hadn’t talked about you before? I don’t want to imagine it and looking back I am even more grateful that I followed my intuition.