Do I even deserve a relationship or am I screwed?
On the fucking search for my soul mate
“You lead the typical big-city bachelor life. Enjoy it! But that wouldn’t be for me.”
This statement from my girlfriend has sat down. She didn’t mean it mean, and yet her words hit me right in the heart.
At that time, I had been living in Frankfurt am Main for six years and probably no one in my circle of friends had as strange stories to tell about their own single life as I did. I’ve always been a good storyteller and my stories certainly entertain. But deep down I felt more and more alone. Alone and as if there was something wrong with me. How can it be that over the years I have done everything possible to develop my personality and, despite numerous dates with men, I have had almost nothing to talk about? Was there something wrong with me? Was he too screwed up to have a healthy relationship?
Online dating platforms had almost become my second home, and apart from two short relationships that were ready for soap operas (just without a happy ending), I had little to do with serious romantic relationships.
I don’t want to say that men were solely responsible for the turmoil in my love life. That still includes two. There was a man who didn’t tell me that he was addicted to drugs, or this other man who claimed to be an astrophysicist just to impress me because he knew I was passionate about the universe. But there were also men who had serious intentions with me, whom I scared away in a very short time because I put them in the “boring” drawer.
Intensity, fire and passion, that’s what I dreamed of. Couldn’t be that hard to find, right? But it was. Over time, it seemed to me that this wish would resemble a utopia. At least if he wanted to have a healthy and harmonious relationship. I was struggling with my illusions, and yet I wasn’t about to get into a relationship with a man who wasn’t quite what I had in mind.
On the journey to myself
Working with my psychotherapist at the time, I understood that I was exhibiting anxious attachment behaviors when dating someone. I chose men who did not suit me so that I would have a reason to run away again as quickly as possible. So I was always on the supposedly safe side. The side of Unbound where the risk of getting hurt seemed to be lower was high. My negative beliefs also influenced my choice of men more than I would have liked. Deep down she believed that she was not worthy of being loved by a man. So I got into unhealthy relationships and unconsciously reaffirmed this negative belief over and over again.
Unfortunately, we all know that breaking out of patterns is very hard work. Hard work that requires a lot of patience and time. But I was more than ready to tackle it. So I took a longer break from dating to focus mainly on myself and my well-being again. This time was very good for me because I gained important new insights and found out a little more about myself on the journey towards myself.
After this break, I found my soul mate again. However, it turned out to be mediocre. There have been ups and downs. It would also have been a mistake to think that such a break with dating would lead directly to the desired result. Good things take time.
How a stroke of fate turned my life upside down
Finally, half a year later, a terrible stroke of fate changed my life completely. My father had an accident and became dependent on nursing due to a severe head injury. This event changed me. The cards were reshuffled and priorities changed. He made me realize how valuable our time and that of our loved ones is. Life became incredibly precious to me and that is why from now on I only wanted to spend it with people with whom I can grow together. People with whom you can have a relationship on equal terms. One that is characterized by appreciation, respect and understanding.
During my grieving process, after a dark period of life was behind me, I felt the desire for an adventure. I wanted to experience colorful moments again and so it happened that I reactivated my online dating account and after a short time I made a date with a man. “Don’t worry, I just want to have a good time and relax and have a few beers.”I told my best friend before the date, who was worried that the next disaster date was about to start.
Unexpectedly comes often
But things turned out differently, because that night I met my current partner. Even if that sounds cheesy, we fell in love after just a few hours. Never before have I been able to laugh so much with a man and talk about serious topics at the same time. With him she felt passionate, intense and fiery. And yet also calm, firm and familiar. This is exactly the mix I have been looking for for so many years. Now I had found her and sometimes I still can’t believe my luck.
For years I have believed that I was too messy and complicated to be in a healthy relationship. That I am too much to be considered for a long-term relationship: too sensitive, too emotional, too stormy, too much. But for my boyfriend, I was fine from the beginning, as I am. He doesn’t love me despite my “negative sides”, but also because of them, as he always says so beautifully.
We are all enough just the way we are
We all deserve to be truly loved. Although some days we have the feeling that we are not worthy of this love. Likewise, we all deserve to have a grateful and harmonious relationship, even if deep down we believe that we are not good enough for it. But let’s not forget: we are all enough just the way we are.
Greetings to (self) love!
An offer from Modern Love School members
Why am I single? – Am I incapable of having relationships?
Can’t find a partner? Do you always end up with the wrong people? Are the ones you care about unattainable? Are the ones you care about not the right ones? Are you tormented by the question of whether something is wrong with you?
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