Family

my rainbow baby


“I’m so sorry, but I can’t see a heartbeat anymore.”

I felt the stillness afterwards as one imagines the stillness after an explosion. You don’t hear anything anymore, except maybe a ringing in your ear. It had happened, which terrified me, but it’s not that rare, because one in four pregnancies ends in a miscarriage.

I don’t remember anything that was said after that, until the word “excavation” was mentioned. Even the term sounds scary, I thought. But could there be a less creepy term for it? I recovered and did not cry. As if remotely controlled, I said “Okay, thank you” and went to the hospital, where the doctor sent me for a preliminary consultation.

Two weeks ago my heart was still beating.

The fault occurred in the car. I cried over the little spot on the ultrasound that had a beating heart two weeks earlier. Crying for the baby she wouldn’t have now. When I got home, I lay in my boyfriend’s arms all night and mourned the loss of the son we had loved for over a year.

The next day I had to go back to the hospital and wait four or five hours and walk from A to B. The whole time I carried the remaining sadness and fear from the procedure with me. It got really bad when I had to change my clothes and my boyfriend had to leave. Shortly before that, I received the information that due to Corona regulations, he was also not allowed to be with me when I woke up.

My boyfriend couldn’t be there because of Corona

I lay in the hospital bed with my legs drawn up and felt small and alone until I fell asleep from sheer exhaustion. When they woke me up because it was about to start, there was only room in me for fear. Lying in that strange chair, staring into the cold neon light, I was shaking all over.

When the nurse put my access in, something wonderful happened to me at that moment. The anesthesiologist noticed my tears and began to tell me about his miscarriage. She told me that she was told back then that the rainbow babies would come back to you.

The publication My Rainbow Baby first appeared in resp.

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