When the dark sides dominate love

Or how mature and free love is possible

Studies show that a committed love relationship is an important factor in life satisfaction. Even the Physical Health it is enhanced by a strong partnership relationship, which is particularly evident with increasing age.

It is therefore not surprising that approximately 93% of adults, as well surveys in the united states – affirm that a stable couple is one of the most important goals in their lives.

While singleness rates are increasing and we can indeed be happy singles, the vast majority of people, whether they are women, men, or non-binary, are still clinging to the goal of a relationship.

This great importance of love can also be seen on the many dating sites:

• By that I don’t mean dating apps, where many people are looking for completely different things (hunger for experience and entertainment, trends and doing what others do, self-affirmation, eroticism and sexuality…) and neither erotic sites nor adventure sites , but online dating agencies. His popularity again shows how important love is to many.

Also see the shadow

But looking at the bright sides of love should not lead us to misjudge the dark side:

• There are people for whom in love the shadow dominates more than the light. And if they don’t do anything about it, it stays that way.
• The pure continuation of the search for partners is not appropriate in such a case. Because only more of the previous misfortune does not bring happiness. As long as the problem is not resolved, being single may be the best solution here. finally show studiesthat a happy relationship helps us overcome crises, but on the other hand an unhappy relationship is much worse than no relationship.
• The dark side of love appears in toxic relationships where the people involved fail to break free in time. Such toxic relationships can be one-sided, but it can also be the case that two people are mutually toxic to each other.
• If the choice of partner and/or relationship structure remains the same, a new partnership can quickly turn toxic again. Whether you’ve already been in or are in a toxic relationship, you can find out with this free test on our test portal Experienced: “Am I in a toxic relationship?”.
• One intrapsychic factor that makes love a bleak life is emotional dependency. There are people who tend to feel dependent in relationships, to let themselves be dominated, to not be able to bear the absence of a partner, to become unbalanced in the face of separations, to waver in relationships between jubilant and deathly sad.

Carlos Miguel Sirvent-Ruiz et al. recently studied this phenomenon. They were able to show that the dependency relationship is characterized by two tendencies:

• Subordination between partners: “I’ve been told that in my relationships with others, I tend to let my partner be in control, or my partner ‘rule’ the relationship.”
• Burning longing and desire: “When my partner moves away from me (for work, travel, etc.) I feel an unbearable emptiness.”

Both trends, in turn, are correlated with each other on average and can therefore result in the full picture of a dependency.

Shadow, light and mate choice

If a dependent person meets a manipulative-exploitative person (malignant narcissism, Machiavellianism), mental catastrophe is predictable.

But even with a good choice of partner, there can be a variety of emotional pain and stress in the relationship:

• Temporary separations are lived with suffering.
• Fears of abandonment and jealousy arise.
• Partners are restricted and are not given any freedom.

Partners may become frustrated and dissatisfied as a result:

• Some react with aversion, which can quickly lead to an ever-widening vicious cycle.
• Others respond with more affection, further cementing the dependency.
• Some oscillate between giving and rejecting (carrot and stick), which further reduces the stability of the relationship and the stability of the dependent person.

change is possible

As useful as it is to choose the right partner, which we at Gleichklang place at the center of our activities, it still reaches its limits where dependency begins:

• Dependent love does not bring lasting happiness. It weighs everywhere. Its characteristic is that it lacks balance.

In this sense, dependent love is immature because the person in question lacks the skills to form a functional and stable relationship. Although a very good choice of partner can limit the negative consequences, in this way the optimum of a balanced and reciprocal relationship cannot be achieved, where the partners say yes to each other in inner freedom.

Fortunately, just as we can get entangled in addiction, we can also untangle ourselves. This is the way:

• Insight is the first step to change: They tend to be dependent in relationships. The new test in our free test portal gives you a quick and well-founded answer: “Do I tend to be dependent in love?
• Practice letting go: Even before you have found a partner, you can already let it go. In your imagination, practice letting a loved one be free, accepting and enduring the feelings that come up instead of repressing them or retracting the abandonment. What we practice in the imagination carries over into everyday life. Take the time to do this exercise regularly, and you can also play with specific constellations in your life story. Still can’t get rid of ex-partners? Take this as an exercise and learn to let go.
• Recognizing maintenance behavior: It is not just our thoughts and feelings, but also our specific behaviors that can lead us into the vicious cycle of addiction. Let’s start avoiding any physical distance with partners, we cling, force, blackmail, complain, that’s when dependency increases. But if we let our partner go off on their own and do things on their own, then this behavior leads to a change in our feelings and thoughts and makes mature love possible for us.
• Opening and agreements: Don’t hide your addiction, stick with it, and work with your partner to overcome it. Toxic couples will not help you to be free, but true love wants freedom and happiness for couples. Once you have made the right choice of partner, talking about your dependency will help you, the partners will understand and together you can plan how you both practice independence in everyday life.
• Long distance relationships are useful: Dependent people in particular are as afraid of long-distance relationships as the devil is supposedly afraid of holy water. Yes, long-distance relationships are difficult for dependent people. But this is the path that will best allow you to practice love freely and be happy together. Also check out my video for Psychology of long-distance relationships in. I am very happy with the comments under the video, to which I all respond.

Work on oneself, on one’s own freedom, on one’s own biography and on oneself Self esteem therefore, it can become an important factor for the happiness of your future relationship. Don’t wait for a new relationship to start, be proactive so that your future relationship is really happy.