When the fear of commitment paralyzes us

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3. What are the causes of fear of commitment?

Research has not been able to pinpoint a single reason why some people have these attachment difficulties. This is because there are often many possible combinations of factors that make someone afraid to commit to a relationship.

3.1. the weight of the past

People who are overwhelmed and frightened by commitment may do so because of bad past experiences. It’s possible that the person has experienced a painful, unexpected, or unforeseen breakup, or that they’ve had a very uncomfortable experience during their previous stable relationships, such as a breakup. B. Abuse or infidelity. It can also happen that you fight a duel that does not result from your previous relationship.

3.2. projections of the future

With this in mind, it is understandable that the person would try to escape from similar scenarios that they have suffered from in the past. In fact, there are many people who don’t want to commit just for that save yourself suffering in the future from a breakup or other unpleasant experience. They will try to prevent what caused them so much pain in their previous relationships from happening again.

3.3. afraid of missing out

It can also happen that the person is afraid confide in the wrong person and not being available when the right partner shows up.

3.4. own beliefs

Although less common, it can occur in humans convinced that they are better off alone than with a partner. It may be that social or cultural pressures “force” this person to formalize their relationships when they really don’t want to.

3.5. Low self esteem

Low self-esteem and a lack of self-confidence can be related to a fear of commitment, although this is not always the case. For some people with damaged self-esteem It can be hard to accept that you deserve the love of a romantic partner. This can cause them to avoid engagement to avoid injury.

3.6. Traumatic relationships in childhood

The constant exposure to traumatic or abusive relationships in childhood, they can also result in a person losing the desire or ability to form personal relationships later in adult life.

3.7. The right to freedom

In close relation to the previous point, it is common for people who remain without a partner for a long time to get used to this configuration and prefer to stay single. In this case, they would see a relationship as an obstacle to the development of their personal freedom. And they wouldn’t want to do without it under any circumstances. If you’re at this point and it’s your own choice not to have a partner, that’s awesome as long as fear isn’t driving that choice.

4. How can you overcome the fear of commitment?

At this point I would like to ask you a few questions:

1. What are you really afraid of?

  • try to Ask for the real reason of your fears. Don’t generalize and call everything by its proper name. Don’t be afraid to put your feelings or thoughts into words.
  • Understand what it really means a life as a couple compare it to the things you feel you have to give up by committing yourself and consider if you are really going to lose everything you desire just because you have a stable partner.
  • be honest to yourself and find out if you prefer to be single out of conviction or if there is some other hidden factor preventing you from having a stable relationship.

2. Do you hesitate or make decisions?

  • When you don’t know what to do, don’t always choose to let go and “do nothing.” Specifically in relationships Leaving things as they are will not solve any problem. On the contrary, new problems are created that are much more difficult to track and solve.
  • Arm yourself with courage and dare to change circumstances. Decision making is a habit that is trained day in and day out. Only then will you be able to correct the bad habit of procrastinating.
  • Accept the consequences of your actions. It is a sign of maturity, as is accepting the consequences of your inactions. And that will serve you in all areas of your life, not just emotionally.

3. What would your life be like if you weren’t afraid of commitment?

  • For a moment, project a life where you are not afraid of stable relationships. Evaluate the benefits that a healthy and balanced relationship would have for you focuses on the commitment you have acquired with your partner.
  • Next, draw a future in which you will give up relationships. Identify the reasons that would make you make that decision and especially stick with those that bother you the most.
  • Finally, compare both hypothetical scenarios. Is it worth giving up the commitment? Were you able to tell whether it was a matter of free choice or fear?

4. Are you living in the present?

  • The fear of commitment is often accompanied by Fear of losing other life options. You tend to view engagement as a prison, something that will limit your life from now on.
  • Often We tend to have distorted visions of tomorrow. This is because we project our present into the future as if we are not changing at all.

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5. What does therapy with a person who is afraid of commitment look like?

The first step in overcoming the fear of attachment is for the patient to be able to recognize this fear and express it emotionally. A psychologist It will be of great help in finding out the underlying fears, healing the traumas of the past and exorcising the spirits of the future.

Psychological therapy by a specialist doctor can help you:

  1. Understand where this fear of commitment comes from.
  2. understand and reduce Fear that creates commitment.
  3. discover yours Values, priorities and needs.
  4. Make yourself comfortable in a stable relationship.
  5. Balance your affective life and your personal freedom.
  6. Increase your self-esteem (If necessary).

No two people are the same, hence the therapy It is adapted to each person and their needs. For this reason, the list above includes some aspects that are often treated in people who come to therapy because of fear of commitment.

Therapy is important, it can help you find that root of the problem and will help you make healthy choices based on your needs and desires. In closing, let me remind you that people change: our priorities, needs change and… of course we change our minds. Maybe you want a partner that you feel connected to today and not in a few years or vice versa.

6. Bibliographic References

  1. Collins NL and Read, SJ (1990). Adult attachment, work models, and relationship quality in dating couples. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 58644-63.
  2. Feeney, P (1990). Attachment style as a predictor of romantic relationships among adults. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 58281-91.
  3. Simpson, W.S. (2017). Adult attachment, stress and romantic relationships. Current opinion in psychology, 1319-24

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