Almost everyone experiences a phase after a breakup where they want to get their ex back and wonder: With the knowledge we have today, wouldn’t we do some things differently and better? This reflection is useful because it is part of a learning process that may enable different behaviors in the future.
At the same time, intensive employment also means a relapse into dependency, because lovesickness is also a bit of withdrawal. To get out of addiction, abstinence is necessary. Every picture of the ex, every memory, and of course every new text and ponder over the ex-back’s most promising strategy is a small, new consumption. Ex back strategies can keep those affected emotionally dependent and therefore harm them.
The desire to “return to the ex” is (initially) part of lovesickness
Lovesickness and the aftermath of painful experiences of loss and separation can trigger lifelong protective and avoidance strategies that then influence or sabotage mate choice, dating, and new relationships. Some people try to avoid breakups by holding on to their partners, holding on to them, and giving it their all. They earn love, so to speak, so that partners have no reason to leave.
Others withdraw and mistrust everyone for fear of being hurt again. They are completely dependent on their autonomy and keep enough distance that no one can get close enough. Many underestimate these effects. It is very formative that causes us to experience repeated rejections and separations and the level of suffering that can arise as a result.
