Yours, mine or our friends?

A break is not “just” the cut between a couple, it goes much further. Aside from the fact that what used to be a duo becomes single people again and that there are often financial and material issues to deal with in addition to offspring access rights, things can also get complicated when it comes to to make friends

Although both HIM and HER friends are often in the baggage when a couple gets together, common couple friendships also develop over the long years of association. Or “brought” friends become mutual friends.

After a breakup, there is usually tension when it comes to making friends

That’s fine while the partnership lasts. But as a single part of the ex-partner again, you are often faced with the question of whether certain people are currently yours, those who are still together, or just your friends.

A current field report from the web shows HOW tricky this can be. At a women’s forum, a woman who, as a friend of a once-couple couple, is facing an extraordinary situation reported on this topic.

Among other things, she writes:

“(…) Hey, this is more about me and my girlfriend, but somehow it still fits into a society.

A few years ago we were a team of four: male friends, female friends, real friends and not by chance. The children also got along well.
Then they broke up: my girlfriend had a misbehavior from a stranger, that was the trigger, she also broke up and was left alone at first. All in the Corona year. It’s been a year since she has a new partner. My husband and I have already met him, which was very important to her. He is very nice and we get along well with him. He doesn’t come from our corner, so here he only knows her and some of her people.

Due to Corona, their relationship was not exposed to leisure activities as much, but now that many things are becoming more normal, I feel enormous pressure. She doesn’t openly mention any of it, but I can see her disappointment and frustration that her ex (with a new girlfriend here) is still cultivating her social networks and friendships here and she feels left out.

Also, he’s only now realizing that many of their mutual friends were actually his friends… He’d like us to form a new team of four, but I don’t think that’s possible and I want it too. Not.( …)”

The user is describing a situation that is probably not unusual and should, or modified, occur frequently.

A couple breaks up, both partners find new partners and then… usually only one couple meets the “old” circle of friends. Either because friends resent one party for “breaking off” the relationship (this is often the case with cheating, lying, etc.) or because the circle of friends “belongs” to only one of the partners and that for decades .

Meet old friends or not?

It’s almost clear that the ties within an old friendship are stronger here than with a couple who have only been on board for a few years.

So what is to be done? Well, if you are the part that only “got” into the right circle of friends through your former partner, you should listen to yourself and use your intuition to decide if you want to get involved with the new partner in the old circle. Always assuming, of course, that the old friends want it, but that’s often not a problem at all.

If, like the user featured in the example, you’re in the role of a friend who’s still meeting up with old friends but doesn’t (yet) want to engage the friend’s new partner in the same way, just talking helps.

Talk talk talk…!

Anything else only feeds false expectations or leads to misunderstandings. Even if it hurts and no friend wants to hear from their friend that their new partner is not (yet) welcome into their old circle of friends. But firstly, things can change over time, and secondly, in the end you may be better able to deal with a direct announcement than ambiguous whispers and hoopla…


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